The Permanent Effects of Infertility

Now that we are pregnant and only 10+\- weeks away from being parents we have started to really reflect on everything it took to get here. There is no better word for infertility than mindfuck. That is exactly what it is. A pool of emotions, happy, sad, hopeful, lost, confused, isolating, draining, expensive, understated, miraculous and unexpected. We truly have beat the infertility odds which leaves us wondering where do we fit in now? We will forever be infertile, there is no way we could ever conceive a child naturally, however we will now be parents. We had it so hard compared to a ”normal” couple that just does the deed and 9 months later holds a baby in their arms, however we have had it so easy compared to so many other couples dealing with infertility. We found sperm, the likelihood of that with non-obstructive Azoospermia is incredibly low. We had 3 high grade embryos, we got pregnant from our first transfer, the average is 3 to be successful, and this pregnancy has been the easiest thing ever, all pretty uncommon. We are far from the norm when it comes to couples that go through IVF or have a diagnoses of Azoospermia. Most Azoospermia couples only have the option to use a sperm donor, something we were fully prepared to do, embryo adoption or traditional adoption. That is a bridge I will never know what it’s like to to cross and an emotional roller coaster I won’t have to ride, I am grateful for that everyday. I admire the couples that do, the strength they display is nothing short of amazing, however sadly we will never be able to fully relate to each other. I as of now don’t know what if feels like to have a failed transfer or what it feels like to not have any embryos left, I don't know what it feels like to be unable to carry a baby or to never get pregnant. Yes, we did IVF, yes we are infertile but yet I feel like I will never fully understand the struggle because I know we have been beyond blessed and have had it so much easier than most. I also will never know what it is like to not have any struggle, to not have to try or worry for years that it might not ever happen. I don't know what it is like to not go $30,000 into debt to bring a baby into this world. My own mother doesn't understand what that feels like or what it feels like to decide what embryo to transfer or how many or what to do with any that you have left over. She does not know what it feels like to do injection after injection night after night. Unless you have been through it you will never understand the full gravity of the situation, and I will never understand the full gravity of yours and I will never try.