The Nerves are Starting to Kick In

A basket case of nerves is pretty much what I am right now, I’m literally making my self sick with how anxious I am. Today is my hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test to make sure everything on my insides look ok. I’m terrified they will find something that is not ok that will only further diminish our chances of having children. You can’t help but run all of the worst possible case scenarios through your head while you are stuck waiting for your next appointment or for answers. You try to be strong but you feel like you are breaking inside. I feel like I’m in a constant daze or in a bad dream. The hardest part is putting on a tough face and a smile pretending like nothing is going on and everything is just fine, but it’s not. I’m sad and it takes everything I’ve got just to get up in the mornings to face the world. In the back of my mind there is the feeling of anger and resentment towards my husband for putting me through this, feeling like it’s his fault and feeling if I was with someone else this wouldn’t be happening. I know it’s irrational and unfair but everyday my emotions and feelings are literally all over the place. I just want answers and it’s going to take months or maybe years to get them. After this appointment we should be meeting with the reproductive endocrinologist again soon to get her opinion on everything. We have to wait until next month for Eric’s ultrasound and then two months before we can get in to see the infertility urologist. This will be a very painful two month wait and I can’t help but focus on all of this for what seems like every second of every day. I’m not sleeping well, I have very little appetite and my stomach is a total mess right now. We are trying to be as open and honest with each other as possible however I’m afraid of hurting him with my thoughts so we have made the decision to find a counselor to meet with so we can hopefully work through our thoughts and issues constructively together. We have also started the daunting process of looking for grant and scholarship programs available to us to help pay for what inevitably will be incredibly expensive, on average $30,000-$50,000 for most couples. It just seems cruel that on top of all the other stresses we now have to worry about how to pay for everything since 75% of it is not covered by insurance. It is instead considered “elective”. Neither of us chose to have this happen and we certainly did not choose to be in this position. Sadly this is just the beginning but we are trying to think positively and get through as much as we can on top rather than rock bottom!