So Many Emotions

Today has been a tough day, I think the hardest so far. The lack of answers and sleep is really starting to take a toll on me and affecting my daily life. The more I keep reading the more realistic this all becomes and the more discouraged I get. The waiting is the hardest, we still have not heard anything from the doctor as far as an actual official diagnosis or any suggestions or recommendations. I’m not sure if the lab wasn’t supposed to tell us the results of the semen analysis tests before the doctor met with us or what, but we have been left hanging for 7 days now and it is an awful feeling. I just want to get the ball rolling and find out what is going on and where to go. I have started researching for the most renowned urologists in the country since I feel like if there is any chance it will be much better with them. Unfortunately they would all require some extensive travel just to see them but I’m willing to do just about anything. I’m not giving up until I have exhausted all options and feel confident that we have done all we could to try to have a biological baby. Can you tell sitting back and being patient isn’t my thing? I’m definitely a doer and I don’t take no for an answer from anyone for anything unless I feel it is the right and only answer. I think the doctors will be meeting their match with me! I can feel the stress has taken a toll on our relationship already as well, it will never be quite the same after all of this, going through something like this definitely changes you. I feel myself wanting to pull away and distance myself. How can I let the person that is causing me the most pain be by my side right now. I just feel so angry at him and I want him to feel it too and to suffer alone even though I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I just can’t help but remind myself that this isn’t my issue, if I weren’t with him I wouldn’t have this problem. I wouldn’t be in the 1% if wives that goes through this and deals with an azoospermia diagnosed husband. Why did I have to end up with him, where did I go so wrong? These thoughts are painful and non stop. Then I start thinking of our other options, sperm donor and iui, embryo adoption and ivf or adoption. While they are all good options I don’t know that they are good options for me. I struggle with the thought of having my own baby with a stranger and not my husband and never knowing where some of my child’s traits came from. I struggle with not having my own baby at all and knowing that they have another “real” family out there and that they have siblings running around out there that didn’t come from me. At least if Eric and I had our own kids I would know there are only 2 of our kids on this earth running around sharing our DNA. I cannot imagine not carrying, delivering and nursing my own baby and I feel like if we adopted I would never forgive him for taking that experience away from me. I would always feel like I was missing out on something, something that I have always wanted and dreamed about. Then I keep wondering how in the world will we ever pay for all of this? I wish there was an easy answer and I wish we didn’t have to go through this. Most of all I wish I could talk to someone that truly understands what we are each going through, being the 1% in a negative situation is hard and makes you feel quite alone. I know deep down we will make it through and we will look back on all of this and realize it was all for a reason. I know there is a plan for everything but as a planner I like to be in control and this situation has very abruptly reminded me that I am not in control of anything after all.