Ending On A High Note!

It has been a few months since our egg retrieval and MicroTESE and I am happy and relieved to say that our lives have pretty much gotten back to normal and we finally are starting to feel like ourselves again, however we will never be quite the same. Our lives have been changed in a very big way and infertility will always be part of our lives now. Overall we are ending 2019 on a very high note, a welcome contrast to how it started!

I didn’t realize how much infertility consumed me or just how stressed I was until we finally got our answer and started to breathe again. For me azoospermia and the ongoing question of whether or not there was sperm and if we could have biological children together was a black hole in my life for over a year. As an event planner by profession I am accustomed to being in control and planning everything weeks, months and sometimes years in advance.

With azoospermia and infertility you are lucky to be able to plan a day in advance. It was literally the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last thought I had at night. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t focus and I would say I probably had some form of depression or compulsion due to it. I was obsessed with finding similar cases, searching for answers, planning our next move, looking for help. I couldn’t seem to do anything else, like talking to friends, doing my job or even having a normal relationship with my husband. I felt like I was going through the motions just to get through the day but yet I was never really awake.

On September 6th I started living again, I remember going home after the retrieval and surgery and sleeping for several hours, waking up feeling refreshed and happy for the first time in months. I finally could close that chapter in our lives, the chapter of not knowing. I know now what lies ahead and while it isn’t over and still won’t be easy I know how and I know I’m in control again, at least as much as can be with infertility.

For now we live life, happy and overly grateful for this gift we have been given, we know things could have turned out very differently for us and while infertility sucks we will never complain about the results we received. I feel proud to be part of such an amazing community, one small part of a group of the strongest, bravest and most resilient people out there, proud of my husband and proud of us. We have endured something that very few will ever understand or relate to and we did it together.

While 2019 started as one of our worst years it has ended as one of our best and certainly as one we will never forget! I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for us, I feel like it will be our year! Our year for change, our year for good news and most importantly our year to just be us.